The Blame Game
This month, I will be taking a closer look at how to overcome debt. One of the biggest obstacles to overcoming debt is moving past blame. Many times, people focus on how they got into debt including due to higher credit card interest rates, higher health care costs, job loss, etc. The list is endless. Yet, the more time we look at the past, the more it creates a strangle hold on us that is hard to get out of. We become so caught up with why we got into our situation especially when we are blaming others that we have less energy to get out of it. In other words, the more we blame others, the more we remain stuck in the situation. Instead of being focused on the past where we are bound to repeat it. We need to become focused on the future, using the past as only a quick history lesson. Yet, if blame keeps us stuck, why is it so prevalent in our society?
Why do we stay stuck in blame?
1) We get justification that we are right
When we talk to others about our story, we start to believe it even more. We get nods of approval/support for what we are going though and we even get pity for how bad it must be to be in our situation due to what others (e.g. credit card companies) are doing to us. When we get others in our corner, we become more set in our beliefs that the problem is with someone else and not us. Thus, the barrier to get out of our situation strengthens.
2) We want to push the blame to others in order not feel guilty
Part of blame is about transferring our guilt to others. To avoid looking at our part of the issue, we blame others to avoid feeling guilt of realizing that we made a mistake. Since we were children, we are always been looking for ways to avoid of facing punishment whether it was coming or not. When our parents asked us who did this (e.g., wrote on the walls), we look around to see if our little brother was close enough to point the finger at him. Because we did not know what our parents would do to us, the fear of the unknown made us want to avoid it. It is similar with people who are stuck in a situation they do not think they can get out of, they fear what may be around the corner and want to avoid it. Even though we can not always avoid what is around the corner, we can avoid feeling even worse by realizing we caused it. Thus, we avoid our anger by blaming others.
Our desire to push the blame on others, reminds me of the saying that when we point the finger at someone, we have three fingers pointed back at us. We can get rid of our anger on others, yet there is a piece of us that unconsciously knows that we had a part in the situation.
3) We want to prove that we are right
From school days on, we have feared seeing red marks on our work since school days. We do not want to be wrong. We see being wrong as a mistake that we are punished for. Thus, we do not want to be wrong and hate to admit it when we are.
Have you ever had the feeling half-way into an argument that you may be wrong? Did you stop to figure it out or do you continue with your argument with even more conviction because you do not only need to prove to the other person that you are right but also need convince yourself?
4) We can continue with our actions
By blaming others, we do not need to change how we are spending. If we did not get into this mess by our actions, then why should we change our actions to get out of debt? We do not want to give up what we have (our cars, our house, our lifestyle, our dinners out, etc.) because it is another sign of failure to us. Thus, we avoid it and continue our behaviors hoping for the best (hoping we will win the lottery to pay off our debt).
How does blame robs us?
1) We do not see our part of the issues, or at least minimize our part
By looking elsewhere for what is wrong, we do not really see the impact we have. Without accepting our part of the situation, we are not opening our eyes to all the possible ways to get out of it. If we do not recognize our way into our mess, we do not see the easiest way out.
We have also given away our power away by minimizing how we got into the situation. It may sound strange, yet we have more power to change the situation knowing that we created it rather than a situation we got forced into by others (e.g., credit card companies, hospital expenses, etc.) because we are the helpless victim. By owning that we had the power to get ourselves into the situation, we have an easier time seeing that we have power to get out of it as well.
2) It is harder to get someone else to change than changing ourselves
When we focus on blaming someone else, we are focused more on changing them rather than changing ourselves. Because it is harder to get someone else to change; we spend a lot more energy to change others than trying to change ourselves. We can argue with Congress to do something about credit card companies for years before something is done or take immediate action on paying off our debt. We are just making the situation worse by waiting for something out there to change than changing what we can now.
3) We do not look for solutions
In the end when we do not see our part of the issue, we do not look for solutions because it is not really our problem is it? We may focus on one or two solutions (credit card companies lowering their fees or prescription drug companies to lower their costs), yet we stop short of brainstorming all the solutions.
How to get out of the grip of blame?
It may seem as easy as telling ourselves to stop blaming and take action. Yet, if we are really tied into the blame, it is easier said than done. The keys are:
1) See our part in the situation
The first part is to take ownership of how we helped got into our issue. Without taking ownership, we are setting ourselves to fall right back into the situation when we get out of it. If we do not learn our lesson, we are bound to repeat it. We may not have had power to change the event that caused the downfall (the hospital expense, the loss of job, etc.). However, we may not have been as well prepared as we should of to stay out of the situation. Many families are living on the edge (living paycheck to paycheck). Thus, we (as a society) just need one event to push us over the edge. The event that led us into debt may be due to hospital or credit card expenses. Yet, we could have had more impact earlier by setting up an emergency fund or making sure we had the appropriate insurance.
2) Become curious why they are doing what they are doing
To understand the other side of the story we need to see it from their side. Yes, interest rates and credit card late fees may be higher than they need to be. Yet, this is a business that is trying to make money. If we were in their shoes would we do things differently? It is easy to say we would be kinder and more understanding sitting where we are. Yet, we want to charge the highest rate for our services whether we own our business or we work for a company (via our salary).
3) Forgive them for their actions
Forgiveness does not mean what the other person did was right. All that it means is that you are moving on from the incident. It is not allowing ourselves to remain stuck in blame rather to move forward in action.
It means understanding that the other party does what they do. This does not mean that you need to give up negotiating a lower price or lower rate. It just means that you understand that they are who they are and move beyond the blame to find a solution to the issue at hand.
4) Know that you can get through it
When we are blaming other people, there is a small piece of us that believes we have been harmed in some way. Why else would we be complaining about it unless we feel that we have been harmed? Remember the saying, no harm, no foul? If there was no foul, we would keep on playing instead of trying to convince the referee there is a foul. So switch from having the situation seem like a catastrophe to seeing a way out.
There is a saying from Henry Ford, if we think we can or we think we can’t, we are right. When we have a knowing that we can handle a situation, we have more persistence, energy and creativity to get out of the situation than we would if we thought we were stuck in a rut with no way out. Thus, if we know we can get through the situation, the less harm we would see and less blame we would cast onto others.
5) Look for solutions (take actions)
To see a way out, we need to first brainstorm ideas and then find the best one and take action on it. The key is to take a step back and see the whole situation. When we are in the mist of the craziness of life, we see few options. We further limit our options when also find fault with ideas instead of really looking at how the ideas may work. We want to immediately say “no way” to ideas such as cutting back on particular budget items. The initial reaction is that there is nothing to cut. Yet, if we take a step back from our initial response, we may see that the options are not as bad as we initially thought.
