In working with couples about their finances, there are many arguments that arise that are blamed on money. Yet, the argument is not usually about money at all. The argument is usually caused by a prior incident or about other issues such as self-worth.

Sometimes money issue can be linked to an issue of self-worth. For example, men in our society sometimes (typically) see themselves as the provider for the family. When this is threatened (e.g., due to losing a job or due to being self-employed when business slows down), there is sense of not being able to provide for their family. Thus, when their spouse starts to ask questions about bills getting paid, there is resentment and anger that gets built up where the anger is usually released towards the spouse. Even though the issue started with the lack of money to pay the bills, the feelings are about self-worth of being a provider to the family. One may say that the argument is really about the money. However, if the discussion was just about the money, the couple could sit down and have a calm rational conversation about it. Yet, when the self-worth issue (or another issue) comes into the equation then anger, frustration and sadness come up making the conversation more volatile. If the self-worth issue was not an issue, the reaction to asking a spouse asking about money would be similar to saying “your hair is purple”. It would be meaningless and cause no reaction. By seeing the underlying issue such as self-worth, the real issue can be addressed. By focusing on money, the real issue (such as self-worth) is ignored and will come up over and over again and causes arguments. This is why money is sometimes said to be the number one reason for divorce when in reality money is only a symptom of divorce (but not the cause).

Another example that occurs is when a child grows up in our society believing that material objects can provide them prestige and worth. They may see other children with toys and better cloths and envy them because they equate possession with status. Later in life, when a financial struggle occurs, they will feel that their worth is slipping away. Thus, in their discussions about money with their spouse, they may feel needy and start nagging and complaining about why they can not have what others have. They may set up unreasonable expectations of their spouse that when the expectations are not met they become angry and upset. Again, money is the symptom and not the cause. Even if money was plentiful, the underlying issue of self-worth would come up anyways (for example, when someone else questions their parenting ability, their looks or other aspect of themselves). I have had clients say that their self-worth is diminished after having a conversation with their spouse or boss. My response is always, if you really had a strong self-worth, you would not feel worse after talking to anyone because anything they said would be equivalent to them saying your hair is purple. When helping at a summer camp, the instructors would tell the young campers that if a bully called them names, it was them (not the bully) that would attach meaning to what was said. If someone called them 4-eyes, it would be the same as someone calling them a Cadillac unless they gave meaning to what was said. If you knew that you were a great parent, you would not react if someone questioned your parenting abilities rather you would just turn around and walk away believing they did not know what they were talking about. With a strong sense of self-worth, questions about your ability would come across as a uninformed suggestion on what could be done better rather than meaning that you are a bad parent, spouse or provider.

The key is to remember that the source of anger and upset is not usually for the reason that you are getting angry or upset at now. When you get angry or upset, you need to take a step back and think about why those words had an effect on you. By doing this you can realize that it is more about looking inside for the solution to the problem than looking at others to change because even if they change the issue will present itself in another form. One time when I pointed out to a client that his spouse was triggering his lack of self-worth, he chuckled and responded that if it was not her than it was his clients. He realized that even if his wife changed, he still would still have to solve the issue with perceiving that his clients are not respecting him. Thus, it would be easier to look within instead of at them. A key to looking within is to be inquisitiveness. Ask question like why did I react to what they said (or did) or why did my spouse react to what I said. We sometimes get offended when someone gets upset at us for what we said even though we thought the comment was an innocent remark. Yet, until we understand what is going on for them (or ourselves), we only know ½ the story.

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